Judgement - Part 2

This had to be changed into two posts because it turns out I am quite passionate about judgement (basically like the adult form of bullying), especially when you are pregnant/a first time mum. We're all just trying to figure it all out, in our own way. We are vulnerable. Sometimes, even well meaning people, can make us question ourselves or feel terrible like we are doing it all wrong. This doesn't mean I hate all advice from people. Trust me, I am very grateful for any hints/tips family and friends can give me. They've raised children before so know what they're talking about. What I'm talking about, are the unsolicited pieces of advice or strangers deciding that mid-shop is the perfect time for them to tell you how to raise your unborn child. Don't even get me started on the minefield that is choosing a name! Everyone has strong opinions on that! 😂

Anyway, the first time I was ever really aware/afraid of others opinions, was when I was referred for further testing at 12 weeks pregnant.

CVS

Before reading this, please note it is an open and honest rendition of my experience having further testing. It is not here for open debate on whether I did the 'right' thing or not.

Not long after we had our 3 month scan, we rejoiced in the ability to freely speak about our new addition. Everything had looked normal on the ultrasound and we were excited to see this little baby moving around inside. 

At this appointment, you have an option to have testing for chromosome abnormalities. Being young and healthy, we didn't expect anything unusual to come back but to be safe, decided to go ahead. Fore warned, if fore armed! 

Now, the test itself can be a source of debate. Some couples say you shouldn't have it, and should simply accept your baby the way it comes. I am not here to debate the fact that some children with the chromosome changes they test for, lead happy, normal lives. That is not what this post is about! (See what I mean about judgement? I already know it will come as this topic is a hot one for debate in the mothering world).

We went ahead, had the extra part of the scan where they measure the nuchal fold and the blood test for hormonal levels. 

A few days after the scan (having told everyone we knew, that we were expecting) I had a call. The fetal medicine nurses rang to explain I had had some unusual results and they would like me to come in for a chat. Thankfully they could see me an hour later so I rung my Dad (all little girls need their Daddy) to drive me to the hospital. (NB My husband was away on a course so unable to come)

Once we were there, they quickly ushered me into a quiet room. I instantly dreaded the news, as we have rooms like this at work where we tell owners their pet needs to be put to sleep. The type with sofas and a box of tissues ready.

The baby's nuchal fold measurement was normal, but my hormone levels were 3.5 times higher than normal!! (No wonder I felt so sick and emotional! The nurse even exclaimed she was amazed I hadn't spent 3 months with my head down the toilet. I instantly felt like a super hero for managing to not miss one night shift at work) 

This meant my risk for our baby having downs syndrome was a 1 in 7. At this point they tell you to not freak out (obviously not going to happen) as it also means a 6 in 7 chance that baby is healthy.

The options they give you at this point are,

• To wait for the 20 weeks scan, and see if anything unusual shows up then. 
• To have a Chronic Villus Sample (CVS) taken - a needle aspiration of the placenta
• To wait until 15 weeks pregnant and have an Amniocentesis - sample of the amniotic fluid 

 Words can not describe how difficult it was to make this decision for my new family, on my own. My husband was trying his best to message me from his course but I had limited signal in the middle of the hospital. My dad couldn't make the decision for us. I just felt all the pressure of potential consequences weighing down on me. And of course, I was aware of the panicked voice in my head, 'What if it comes back positive?'
The risk of miscarriage with a CVS is 1 in 75. The risk with an amniocentesis is 1 in 150.....but I would have to wait 3 more weeks (including a week of night shifts) not knowing what was going on with our little baby.
We had the initial test for a reason, so I took a deep breath, and told the nurse to book me in for the CVS asap. The sooner we knew, the better for us to make a decision based on the facts. I like to think my nursing background help me to be more practical about it, despite the constant flow of tears and self-doubt.
My husband came home and just held me until I managed to stop crying. He said all the right things to help make an impossible situation, feel just that little less dire. He fully supported my choice and said it was what he would have decided too.

A few days later, I went back to the fetal medicine department for the test. I had tried to google (never do this! I constantly tell owners not to do this, but I still did) all about it but all I found were posts about people who were afraid and other posts with people saying you shouldn't do it, it risks your baby's life etc. Not what you need when you are already terrified! I already had my own inner voice asking, 'What if you do this, have a miscarriage and then find out it was healthy?!'
The staff were amazing! I got to see our little one on another scan before they prepped me. With my husband still away, my dad came with me again. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the strongest stomach for these things so I went into the room alone.
Local anaesthetic was injected (not going to lie, stings like a B****) and then they insert the long needle to get a sample from the placenta. It's all ultrasound guided so there's no risk they'll poke baby. You can feel this happening. The skin may be numb but underneath isn't. It didn't exactly hurt but it most definitely was not comfortable. You have to stay as still as possible. It is a delicate procedure. I put my hands over my eyes and tried to take deep breaths (not easy when you're crying). The nurse stroked my leg and kept saying encouraging, soothing things. I was so grateful for her. I was very vulnerable and needed someone to just be there for me.

For three days afterwards, you are encouraged to stay as still as possible. No dog walking, no lifting, no driving and no work. Thankfully I was on my two weeks off post night shifts. I had to cancel visiting family and friends for the rest of that week. It wasn't worth the risk of anything going wrong. I laid on my sofa, under a blanket of dogs (my safe place) and watched Disney movies all day. I often find, there's not much in life a classic Disney film can't fix. It's good for the soul.
It's almost as if my dogs understood. They were so gentle around me. Snuggling close and licking up tears. Not one of them jumped on me.
My husband was my absolute rock. He did everything for me and just supported me in any way he could. Without him, I would not have had the strength to get through this as well as I did.

Tying in with judgement, as I have mentioned, these tests have risks and everyone loves to throw in their penny on what you should/shouldn't do. I felt conscious of telling people what I'd had done, for fear they'd call me a bad mother/person. I didn't want sympathetic looks from everyone either. Emotions were high enough, without feeling everyone else's worry. It was a personal time for myself and my husband. We told our parents and that was it.
Unfortunately, I had to cancel visiting a family member during this time. My dad simply explained I had to have a blood test done for further investigations and to not tell anyone as it could be serious. You would hope this would mean nothing would be shared but instead they asked every family member what type of test could mean I couldn't drive. So anyone who had been pregnant instantly knew what I was having done. Which opened me up to more questions from more people when all I needed was to be left with my husband.

Thankfully, 48 hours later, we had the amazing news that everything was normal. Our little baby was fine. I have never felt so relieved and full of joy. We went out for a meal that night to celebrate.

One of the few perks from having a CVS, is they can tell you the sex of your baby! We managed to resist for an extra week before I got the midwife to write it down in a card for us. There was no big reveal. My husband opened the card first (I wanted him to find something out before me for once in the pregnancy) and he then showed me. We were expecting a beautiful baby BOY!!

Again, rather than draw attention to the procedure I'd had, we simply told people we had found out early as my grandma is unwell (not a lie, she was in and out of hospital) and we wanted her to know. We never mentioned that we had a sexing scan done, we just let people assume. I only told people how we knew, if they asked. 

Now I'm further along in the pregnancy, I am far more comfortable speaking openly about it. I have grown in confidence in my decisions for our future son. I know that no matter what I do, people will be for and against it. That is life! As long as we do what is right for our family, that's all that matters. 
I want to share my story because I wish there had been one for me to read when I was scared. It should be taboo free, to decide to do something for your child before they are even born. In the same way people judge you for bottle feeding, over breastfeeding. For breastfeeding in public. For so many other decisions you will inevitably make whilst raising your tiny human. We should stop the judgement and just be supportive of each others choices. As long as we raise happy, well rounded children, does it really matter how we do it? Does it matter if your child first speaks at 9 months old or 2 years old? They all walk, talk and use the loo in the end!