Two Blue Eyes

The Calm Before the Storm

Do you remember that game you played when you were little, where you fall backwards and trust your friends to catch you? Well labour is basically a giant game of that. You surrender yourself to the process, and trust your midwife to catch you and your baby.

It's the same when you have an epidural. Your trust a complete stranger to put a large needle in your spine, in the 1 minute they have before another contraction starts. All you can do is hope they don't paralyse you!
Having it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. Your skin is numbed so you don't feel anything. But once it is in, sheer relief! I was finally able to get some rest, whilst the hormone drip did it's job.

At this point, we could do nothing but wait. My poor husband felt a little lost as I was just dosing on/off and didn't need any support at that time. Even I felt a little bored at this point. Thankfully we had the I-pad, so we put Netflix on and started watching Friends 🙈

All of a sudden I started feeling pain. My epidural was at maximum but I was still getting contractions. Turns out you can't feel how full your bladder is with an epidural and the midwife had forgotten to check. The pain was my bladder at full capacity! One quick catheter and a litre of pee later, I felt comfortable again. 

By 5pm, my cervix was finally 10cms. It was time to push. Through all my antenatal classes, we had practised 'breathing the baby out'. We decided that I absolutely didn't want to be on my back. When it came to it, I had no choice. I was stuck on my back and had to push harder than I ever thought possible. It was a true cliche movie moment. Holding onto my legs and turning red in the face.

Yes....I did poo....everyone does....it is impossible not to in that position! The midwife tried her best to hide it from me but I knew what had happened. It made me burst out laughing as nature once again proved there is nothing glamorous about birth.

The Turning Point

Jake's head was just at the tip of the midwife's fingers. So close! I kept pushing and pushing. Even my husband dared to tell me that he knew I could push harder. Apparently the look I gave him was killer because both midwives couldn't stop themselves laughing. 

By this point, my body was exhausted. I was so sick from all the effort that I was pushing for each contraction and then vomiting in between. Without me realising, one midwife slipped out to get a doctor. The same male doctor with the massive hands, who did my sweep. 
I swear, if my legs had worked at that point, I would have jumped off the bed and run away 😂 I grabbed my husband, and said do not let that man destroy my vagina with his hands!! As if the 10lb baby wasn't going to do that!

This is when it really did feel like a movie moment. Our room, my safe haven, was invaded by a crowd of people. Paper was wafted under me to sign and my husband was directed to get changed into scrubs. I had lost all control of the situation. I wasn't going to get that moment, where my baby was handed to me after pushing him out. I had dreamed of that since I found out I was pregnant. About having him lifted straight onto my chest.

It turns out, after pushing for an hour and a half, Jake hadn't moved an inch. He was stuck! Not that he was showing any signs of distress. His heart rate stayed steady for the whole of my labour. The only one suffering, was me. 

I was wheeled straight to theatre, where I remember thinking how bright it suddenly felt. Leaving the dimmed, calm lighting of my labour room, into the harsh theatre spot lights. Even though I'm used to theatres, being the other side of the table is terrifying. I just wanted my husband. The midwife saw how scared I was, held my hand and stroked my hair, trying to keep me calm. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably. She will never know just how grateful I am for that moment. It's the kind of moment when you need your mum. But my mum couldn't be with me so she took her place. 

My husband rushed in to join me just in time. I refused to let them do anything before he was there. Two surgeons tried forceps and ventouse. But my baby wasn't moving. It turns out he was stuck above the ears by my pelvis.  I was too narrow for him to fit through. All that pushing was just squashing his poor little head through a hole it couldn't squeeze through.

The barriers went up in seconds. It will never cease to amaze me how fast the theatre team acted. The whole time I kept apologising to my husband for failing. I felt betrayed by my own body for not doing the one thing it was designed to do. It was all he could do, to wipe up my tears and keep telling me how proud he was of me. I cant imagine how hard it must have been for him, to watch his wife and unborn child go through all of that. To trust strangers to keep us both safe for him. 

They warn you that it feels like a washing machine in your abdomen, when they pull your baby out. Despite the incision being just above my bikini line, it felt like everything was happening just under my ribs.

I remember the precise moment Jake was born. It was exactly 7:30pm. I felt my bump flatten in a sudden wave from top to bottom, as they pulled him out.
He didn't cry......All I kept thinking is, Why isn't he crying?!

After a few moments with the midwives, this sweet small sound of protest reached my ears. He was telling them off for waking him. Still to this day, he hates being faffed around with. 

Sheer relief as this bundle was passed towards us. The most beautiful blue eyes met mine.  It was love at first sight. He barely cried the whole time. Just laid there in my husband's arms, blinking at us. This perfect moment of calm. Just the three of us in a room full of people. A brand new family was born 💗